my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
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Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.