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Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either