100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
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Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I’ve had worse
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Donkey Kong sommelier
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten