The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
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If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Whoa 😂
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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