“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
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THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I feel seen.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong