History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
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When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
All generalizations are stupid.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.