Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
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stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
😂😂
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
If you know, you know 😂🚔
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.