Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
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I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
i really liked this one
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles