PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
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It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)