‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
You Might Also Like
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.