The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
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Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.