In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
You Might Also Like
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
just make the entire table out of coaster
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
WHY?!
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.