[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
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Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.