when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
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Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Think I pulled my liver
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.