Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
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I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Me: What鈥檚 your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
tired of age gap discourse. now let鈥檚 do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 馃檨
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It鈥檚 like they are speaking cursive.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
The kids won鈥檛 stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends