Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
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The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
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