*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
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6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I am HOWLING at this
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.