7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Ghost costume 😂
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.