4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
You Might Also Like
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Woke up against my better judgement again
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
ok like just. call me at this point
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.