Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
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If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!