My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
bugs when you lift up a rock
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.