I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
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I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.