me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
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People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
let’s discuss
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*