I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
You Might Also Like
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores