my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
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“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?