its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
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When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.