I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
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I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.