Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
You Might Also Like
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two