6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.