What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.