When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
#parenting
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”