“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
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Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Wednesday
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I am all good here, 😂😉
*checks real estate listings on other planets*