My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
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I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Poetry is my passion
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”