ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
You Might Also Like
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Perfect.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Trumpy Cat
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*