My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
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white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.