me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.