How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
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Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.