How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
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You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
*pronounces surface like Versace*
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader