#have a #great #PancakeDay
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*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
🔦🌙👣