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Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.