[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
You Might Also Like
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
“What movie?” 🤔
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan