Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
won’t smith
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries