“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.