my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
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I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4