My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale