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“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?