Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Choose your fighter
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook