Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
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HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?