There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
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i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere