@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
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dads on road-trips be like
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Krampus.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Oceanography is all about current events
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented